Mama, I'm cute … you should see me ...

Little Guy: Mama, pei wo yi xia xia (stay with me a while), ok?
Me: Ok.

That's usually how we transition from bedtime routine to lights out. The room is dark but not pitch black as each of the boy's nightlight provides just the right amount of light for us to see each other. We each share what we're thankful for and I kiss them good night. Buddy likes the same number of kisses as his upcoming age. Little Guy and I kiss through the beams of his crib like it's a game. Then, I lie down and hang out for a while. 

Usually I end up repeating "be quiet" and "lie down" (specifically for Little Guy) so many times I wonder why I'm in here. Other times, I have to resort to a little threat of "I'm going to leave the room if you can't lie down and be quiet".

On this particular night, I had just settled myself on the ABC mat in between Buddy's bed and Little Guy's crib. Buddy shared a thought ...

Buddy: Mama, you know what?
Me: What?
Buddy: I'm cute … I'm really cute. I can see that in the mirra. You should see me in the mirra. I'm really cute!
silence as I thought about what to say … 

[Cutting out to the conversation in my head]

Growing up, I was always taught to be modest. Whenever, an adult gave me a compliment, my parents always responded with "no, no, not at all" or "oh, you're too kind" (accompanied with the appropriate amount of hand gesture to wave off the compliment). That probably did teach me modesty. But, it also added this vocabulary to my inner voice: "hmmm… maybe I'm not that good at [fill in the blank]". The self-doubt.

It took a long time for me to realize that to be modest is different from denying and down-playing my own talents. 

[Returning to the scene from that night]

Me: Yes, you're really cute! You can show me in the mirror in the morning. Ok?
Buddy: Ok!

I really meant what I said … Buddy is really cute (of course, I'm biased!). The thing is … this is the first time he's said anything like this about himself. He makes such sweet comments about Little Guy and other kids easily. At the same time, he often shies away from similar attention even in a kind look or smile from us or his grandparents. 

The thing is it's not important what I think. It's important what he thinks of himself. I imagine we will touch on modesty at some point but not that night. That night I wanted him to go to sleep with a bigger than usual smile because he saw something special in himself.