Buddy, you were so brave!

It's that day. The day where I drop off my (not so) little boy on his first day of his very first camp. He's just two weeks shy of turning 6. He's so big now. Full of ideas and questions. 

I wasn't sure how it would go today. Would he cry? Would he cling to my leg like he did only a couple of years ago when I dropped him off at pre-school? He seemed completely unfazed as we approached the registration table. I thought to myself, "he's going to be okay." Then, I grabbed his hand as we walked over to his group. That's when I felt it - a little bit of trepidation as he sees the other kids and the coaches - his grip on my hand tightened ever so slightly. I was glad I felt it because I kept holding his hand so he knows I'm with him.

After introductions with the coaches and our usual hug and kiss good-bye, I realized we weren't holding hands anymore. I'm not sure if he let go first or I did. However, as I drove away and got a glimpse of his beautiful sunlit face, I knew he was the one who let go when the time came. He was laughing (probably at something one of the coaches said) with his arms hugging his knees. Perhaps he was still nervous but he knew how to embrace his fear and have courage - something his Baba instills in him often. 

At the sight of my brave Buddy, I got teary, all out of love. Oh boy! This Mama will be a mess on the first day of first grade in August! Yes, it's always the case, isn't it? I'm the one who needs to learn to let go.

Smile more and diffuse your [fill in the blank emotion]

This is exactly how my morning started only two days ago after a night of disrupted sleep.

Me (walking into the dining room, staring fiercely at my children and with a raised voice): I didn't sleep well last night so I don't have a lot of patience. I need you to cooperate this morning.

Buddy scrambled to his chair at the dining table to begin eating his breakfast. Little Guy decided to ignore me. I let him know that I'm in this mood thanks to him since he was the one who disrupted my sleep last night. He still didn't move. I resorted to picking him up and placing him into his chair to begin breakfast. Not my best morning performance!

On the way to school, I felt terrible and apologized to Buddy and Little Guy about the way I spoke. However, I reiterated the importance of sleep and its effect on our moods (as demonstrated by me earlier). About one traffic light later, I found myself thinking about how cute they are and smiled. This act lifted my mood almost immediately! So, it is true - those feel-good, self-help, mindfulness articles are right.

Fast forward to last night. Again, Little Guy woke me at some insane hour. My eyes were so glazed over, I couldn't clearly make out the exact location of the hour and minute hands on the clock as I brought Little Guy back into the bedroom he shares with Buddy. It was worse than the incident two nights ago because his crying and fussing woke up Buddy. Now, I had to get both Buddy and Little Guy back to sleep. Long story short, I must have stayed in their bedroom for a good 2 hours before I woke and dragged my tired body back into my bed.

I woke up this morning with an achy body and a fogging head - not a great combination to start a day with demanding little ones. I fully expected myself to give the exact same speech as I did two mornings ago. Instead, I headed for my children, who were goofing off in their 'house' (it's one of those colorful enclosed play pen gates, which Buddy and Little Guy refuse to give up), and the following unfolded.

Me (both hands firmly gripping the top of one gate and in pretend angry voice): I am very frustrated that I didn't sleep well last night! Beeeecause someone here woke me up again last night.
Buddy (a little unsure of what's coming): It was Little Guy!
Little Guy just looked up at me with those 'it was me but don't be angry' eyes. I saw the corners of his lips move upward. Aha! Of course! He was going to smirk.
Me (smile breaking out on my face, still pretend angry voice): Well, I will not have a lot of patience this morning because I didn't sleep well. Rrrrrr (my eyes narrowed and my head pounced toward Little Guy)!
At my lion's roar, all three of us broke up into silly giggles.

Just like that, my anger and frustration dissipated and my mood lifted.

The interesting thing is I had been using the 'smile' technique at the start of the year and it was working fabulously. Whenever I was short of patience with Buddy, I would say whatever I had to say with a smile. The act alone made me calm and seemed to refuel my patience and compassion, even when the smile starts off as forced, an attempt to hid my impatience. I guess, at some point, I got busy, as we all do, and forgot to keep practicing.

As with any habit, it takes time and diligent practice. Perhaps I will give myself a 30-day challenge (which seem so popular these days) to smile first when I feel those hot emotions bubble up inside.

A Perfectly Balanced Day

There it was. Staring in my face as I wiped a second little butt in 15 minutes during dinner. I was going to have a perfectly balanced day. To do that, I needed do something for myself and that was attending an event on women & ambition in the context of motherhood (of all topics).

Admittedly, it was weird to have such a realization while staring into the abyss of a toilet, wiping Buddy's butt. However, ideas and revelations have always come to me in the bathroom. Perhaps it's because the bathroom has always been a place of 'down-time', so to speak (aside from the bedroom … but then I'm asleep and can't remember any idea or revelation).

I've always struggled with work/life balance. It's not a post-baby issue for me. It's not a post-marriage issue for me. It's just an issue I've had all my adult life. The problem was most pronounced when Buddy came along and I went back to full-time work after a 3-months maternity leave.

That was five years ago. Only last year did it occur to me that I hadn't been thinking of my life as one thing but rather a bunch of compartments. The initial inkling of that was when Buddy asked whether I still loved him when I left the house to teach Pilates. My response to that heartfelt question from a then-4-year-old Buddy was that we play many roles as one person. That response settled him but unsettled something in me. That 'something' was an yearning to define balance in my context and integrate my roles into my whole person. I've always known that I functioned best and am (or feel) the most productive when I have 2 or 3 things going on in given day or week. But, having had a corporate job my entire career before moving to Singapore, I hadn't given a lot of thought to intentionally designing for that kind of 'work/life'.

As I embarked on my Pilates teaching journey, I started to intentionally design (i.e., block out specific time windows in my calendar) for the kind of week I wanted … the kind of week where I feel fulfilled in motherhood and teaching practice. Over time, about a year, Wednesdays have become an important day of the week where I spend the morning moving my body and teaching, and the afternoon with my kids. The fact that it's exactly in the middle of the Monday-Friday week is intentional. It's part of my 'slow down, recalibrate and take stock around what I've accomplished at the start of the week and what else do I want to accomplish with the remaining two days before heading into the weekend' tool-set.

Most Wednesdays (and actually most days) I don't go out in the evening. Like any other day of the week, I'm wiped out by the time both kids are in bed with lights out. However, Wednesdays always feel close to balanced because I spend majority of the afternoon with Buddy and Little Guy. That makes me happy, which is possible because I get to move my body and teach in the morning. On this particular Wednesday, attending an event in the evening (where I actually changed into something besides t-shirt/shorts or work-out clothes and dabbled on some mascara & lip gloss) was a bonus for a perfectly balanced day!