Role play, okay … but not playing roles.

Role play fosters curiosity and learning. It is also a great way to expose children to the various roles people play in a community and the society at large. But, it recently dawned on me that we don't often talk about how every person plays multiple roles in life. Just the other day I was telling Buddy that I would be out teaching Pilates while he naps. He was making something with the fresh play dough we just made. But, I can tell he was thinking. He paused, turned around, with a very concerned face, and asked "Mama, when you teach Pilates, are you still my mama?" Wow! What a question. My heart did a little dip and slowly floated back up as I caught my breath and composed my answer. I told him "Of course! I'm always your mama no matter what I'm doing and even when I'm not with you". He seemed comforted and reassured (for now). However, I went on to share that each person can be many things in life at the same time and that he will also play many roles later on when he grows up. I might have lost him with that last part as he returned to his play dough. :) Someone once told me that signs from the universe come in pairs. A week after that conversation with Buddy, a teacher at school asked Little Guy "what do you want to be when you grow up?" Without any hesitation, Little Guy replied, with his usual upswing singsongy voice and just a little bit of incredulous (as in what kind of question is that), "Just Little Guy!” So simple yet so profound … in that one second Little Guy reminded me that he and Buddy already have their true potential inside. All I have to do is pay attention and don't mess it up! 

Not until I read Siblings without Rivalry did I realize the impact on children when parents peg them into roles. Being the eldest of three girls, I've lost track of the number of times I heard "you're the oldest, you need to give in, let go, control yourself, be the bigger person [or insert whatever good behavior I'm suppose to exhibit because I'm the eldest]". The worst was "you're the oldest so you need to be a good role model for your sisters". My parents probably didn't know it but that short phrase put tremendous pressure on me. I had a vague sense of what "good" meant. Guāi, that's what I was supposed to be. It means to behave well. Chinese parents love to hear their children described by others as guāi because it means a well-behaved child. It is usually a compliment for the parents. Yes, I get it! Who doesn't want a well-behaved child? I do too! But, guāi is so vague when nothing descriptive about the behavior that called for the praise follows. So, in vagueness I tried to be a role model for my sisters. In the process I also embodied the character traits my parents assigned to me. I was the studious one, the organized one, and the serious one. My sisters were given other descriptors. In hindsight, it seems we had to be different from one another.  


Fast forward many years … instinctively I want to say "Buddy, you're older so you need to [fill in the blank]" whenever he and Little Guy get into it or "Buddy, you're older so you need to show Little Guy how to [insert a good behavior]" whenever I catch Little Guy copying Buddy's inappropriate behavior … except I don't say it. I don't say it because I don't want to put that kind of pressure on Buddy. He shouldn't have to mature faster just because he's got a younger sibling. It is also not fair to Little Guy. Little Guy needs the same kind of guidance I gave Buddy when he was Little Guy's age. It is not fair for me to delegate that to Buddy for any reason. It also wouldn't serve them well to position Buddy as the more grown up, responsible one while allowing Little Guy to be the silly and goofy one just because of their birth order. The truth is that birth order is just the order in which a child is born into a family. It doesn't need to dictate a hierarchy. My hope is that Buddy and Little Guy will develop a tight bond that's fluid. Yes, right now the age gap is apparent. However, soon enough it won't be. I don't have all the answers just because I'm the eldest. Sometimes, my younger sisters are the ones who are wiser and give me much needed guidance and support.

It's convenient and easy to categorize people. Categorization seemingly helps us manage our interactions with one another – a perception of predictability. But, people are complex and multi-faceted. Not only that, they change … all the time! As a parent, I can see the attractiveness of penning down what I might want to believe to be character traits in Buddy and Little Guy as I discover them. However, by labeling Buddy or Little Guy with whatever I see at any stage of their development would be inserting my bias into their own narrative. I can't do that! Children already care so much about what their parents think of them … their natural tendency is to please their parents. I know Buddy and Little Guy will care about what I think of them. But, I want them to care more about what they think of themselves. My job is to observe and nurture what's already there but also push a little (because children need that) so they get out of their comfort zone, where learning happens.