"I don't want! I don't want!!!" That was most of what I heard, accompanied by exasperated, head-thrown-back cries, during our bedtime routine tonight. It's actually what I hear a lot these days from Little Guy. Yes … we're in the "Terrible Twos". This is familiar territory and this time I'm prepared. After all, I was just here about two years ago with Buddy. At that time, I was completely unprepared for the so-called "Terrible Twos" stage. I heard about it from other parents, those who have been through the slaughter and came out alive on the other side as well as those heading into it. Being a first time parent, I just assumed that the "Terrible Twos" (or Threes as some people described how their kids skipped it at 2 but got hit hard at 3) was a real thing.
The mentality I had was that I needed to discipline my child during this "Terrible Twos" stage or else I'm in for a lifetime of unacceptable behavior. But, I didn't know how. I didn't have any tools to help me or my child manage his emotional roller coaster rides. By all accounts, Buddy was generally a happy toddler and as sweet and gentle as they come (of course, I'm biased!). However, when Buddy was upset … it was like the world had ended (in Chinese we say "tian du ta xia lai la - 天都塌下來", which literally means "the sky has fallen"). He reminded me a lot of myself as a child in that regard, which gave me the ability to empathize but not enough to keep me calm at times.
Just when I was at the end of my ropes and in utter despair about my parenting skills, I came across a talk about the brain in the context of child development and parenting. The information I learned was just the tip of the iceberg and had me so excited that I wanted to read more and turn the information into actual parenting strategies and techniques. I physically felt a light bulb turn on above my head, sparks flying in my brain, and energy flowing from my body to my limbs. Up until then, I had been searching for parenting books or advice but nothing felt right. The brain and the nervous system spoke to me. The fundamentals of how the brain develops opened the door to true understanding of what's happening in my child, particularly in those unpleasant moments - the tantrums - where the body is on the floor with all limbs flailing in the air along with loud shrieks of cries that speak of the injustice that's been done to him.
I came to learn that emotions (not feelings) are a chemical reaction in the body. Some children experience much bigger emotions than their little bodies can handle and they do not yet have the cognitive ability to express those emotions with appropriate behavior. This was exactly the case with Buddy. During a breakdown, his little body was experiencing an emotional tidal wave that he absolutely had no control over. His body needed to let the tidal wave wash through before he landed on a warm sandy beach facing a calm sea. Any attempt to discipline him during the tidal wave was futile because he did not have the mental capacity to engage with me on that level. However, if I acknowledged the emotion of the tidal wave by naming it for him, he tended to calm down more quickly. That's when I could pull up his little tired body, hold him close while sitting on the warm sand to talk about what was the tidal wave and what to do with it next time, while watching the calm sea in the horizon.
Two years since that fateful talk, which created a paradigm shift in my brain, and two years of determined practice of parenting with the brain in mind, I don't think of Little Guy as being in the "Terrible Twos" or call his emotional breakdowns tantrums. The lens through which I view this stage is just that - a developmental stage that children must go (and we all went) through as part of growing up. It's a stage of great exploration and learning to satisfy endless curiosity and test boundaries, find and gain some independence and self-identify, and exert some control over their world. This perspective has made me more peaceful and creative, which probably diverts my attention away from anger and frustration, when working through unpleasant situations with Little Guy (and Buddy … in his fours). It also encourages me to put myself in my children's shoes so that I can better understand what they're experiencing … what does the world look like from their vantage point? And, as with anything, a little bit of humor helps a lot!
When I got inspired to write this post, I was curious about where the term "Terrible Twos" came from. So I did a quick search on "terrible twos history" and found many links on the topic. As it turns out, the term was coined in the 1950s, long time ago, and not supported by research. Most of the articles from modern parenting resources provide similar information - most common and important one is that this is a normal developmental stage. So, why do we still call it the "Terrible Twos"? Maybe it's time we dropped the label and let the Twos be just that - 2s.
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